


Saudade

by orphan_account



Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic (Video Game)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Growing Old Together, M/M, Post-Star Wars: The Old Republic - Onslaught, Retirement, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:22:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24259600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: After several years of being the Alliance Commander, Zephyr finally retires.
Relationships: Male Jedi Knight | Hero of Tython/Lord Scourge
Kudos: 5





	Saudade

**Author's Note:**

> I've got a tumblr now! 
> 
> skarrow-wolf.tumblr.com

I finally resigned as the Alliance Commander.

I'm selfish and I have to admit that I've thought about this for a long time. It's been more than two decades since I started this journey as a Padawan on Tython, and I've come a long way since then. I've grown tired of war and bloodshed, but the only thing that kept me going was the fact that I never wanted anyone to go through what I went through. I wanted a galaxy where everyone could coexist peacefully and safely, but it was nothing more than a pipedream.

Dreams are for the youth. And my days of naive dreaming are long past behind me. Now, I'm just a tired old man. It was hard. It was hard making the decision to retire, because what else did I know other than a life of being a warrior? What else did I have to compare to?

I've been on the frontlines for more than half my life. And I feel older than my age suggests. Being the dragon of war has taken its toll on me, so much so that I had no other choice but seek out a psychiatrist. I literally felt my mind tearing itself apart on a daily basis in the past several months. I wasn't the expert on mental health and so I had no idea if the things I felt were even normal. But as I slowly warmed up to my psychiatrist, I started seeing wisdom in her insights. And it was at that point that I knew I had to make a decision.

It was a hard one.

And so, which brings me back to that point.

I resigned from the Alliance as their Commander. The announcement was, unfortunately, loud. It was by necessity. How couldn't it be, when you are the figurehead of the Alliance? I had hoped, selfishly, that I would be permitted to exit the stage with barely a glance from the audience, but I've learned to live with the great disappointments of life. Maybe I've lived too much to get used to it.

Everyone had questions. They wanted answers. Some of the younger ones were demanding, while a few of the seasoned soldiers just looked weary and nodded at me as if they understood why. The younger ones wanted answers I felt too tired to give. The seasoned veterans, the ones that have stuck around since the start, just walked up to me and saluted me, thanking me for my years of service. I was grateful the veterans understood, even if it was in the form of wordless understanding. But I was worried for the youth.

The younger ones that only recently joined the ranks were full of fire and passion, and as a war commander, I would have commended them on their enthusiasm. But another part of me is resigned because most of the younger recruits haven't lived through what some of us experienced at the hands of the Eternal Empire. Many of them were blinded by my reputation, the myth and mystery surrounding the infallible Alliance Commander. The youth are idealistic, ferociously so, and I'm afraid it is what led them to become so shocked at the announcement of my retirement.

Everyone still believes in the myth of the indomitable Commander. They still think I'm a hero, the valiant figure that stood alone against the gargantuan shadow of oppression cast by the Eternal Empire. They still believe that I can move mountains, level planets, and single-handedly save a galaxy from the brink of extermination by sheer willpower alone.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

I'm not a hero. I made decisions, ruthless decisions, that ended up having me take the lives of some of the traitors that interfered with the survival in the early days of the Alliance.

I'm not a savior. I couldn't save most of the lives that mattered. I couldn't save the trillions of people that perished when Arcann bombarded several planets in a ploy to draw out the Alliance into a vengeance spree. I couldn't save the soldiers and medics that perished aboard Darth Marr's flagship. I couldn't save the civilians and innocents that perished when the new Sith Empire bombarded Corellia.

I'm not a hero.

I'm just a man that looks silly in a commander's uniform. I'm just a Jedi Sentinel, even if I've come to accept the fact that I'm no longer a part of the Jedi Order.

I'm just one man.

And I just want my rest.

I've seen too much of war and it sickens me to the bone to realize that this is all I know. That this is who I am.

I really needed a change of scenery and my psychiatrist wasn't lying about that. I disliked the pity of others, but she understood better than anyone why I had to retire. But what I'm more afraid of is the fact that the others might not understand. I'm afraid they will misunderstand me. And even more, I'm afraid of the fact that they will hound me for the reasons why. But I had no other reason to give, other than the fact that I was tired of everything.

Was it even normal, to feel tired of everything?

To be numb to everything?

To just want to lie down on a bed and forget the world existed?

The concept of checking in with my own emotions is still a new habit to me. So many new habits to form and practice. But my psychiatrist encouraged me to be more mindful and less critical of my own emotional reactions. To notice them and accept them for what they were. Maybe she had a point.

I might decide to start a journal. When I brought up the idea, my psychiatrist was actively supportive of it. She would be seeing less of me if I decide to leave Odessen and retire somewhere, but she encouraged me to follow through with that idea in between our holocom calls.

I looked up as Scourge entered the Commander's quarters, and I noted the distinct frown on his face that only crops up when he is simultaneously confused and concerned about something. His gaze falls on me and I couldn't help but smile softly at him. The harsh lines in his eyes fades away and he crosses the distance swiftly. I tilt my head upwards just as he was leaning in closer. He greets me with a gentle kiss as he strokes his thumb across my cheek. I shut my eyes and lean against the warmth of his hand.

"How are you feeling?" he inquired gently, his hand still holding my cheek.

I breathed out heavily, opening my eyes again to see him crouching in front of me, where I was seated on the couch. "I'm resigning from the Alliance," I replied quietly.

"I know that," he said patiently. "But how are you? How are you feeling?"

I looked away, pursing my lip. "I feel tired, as always. I'm always tired. I feel sick just looking at these walls. I feel tired. I feel sick. Take your pick."

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked gently.

I looked up at him, and all I see from him is concern. The sight of it maked my heart ache. In all the years we've been together, he has changed the most. I've seen him change in so many ways for the better that it makes my chest ache with melancholy. A part of me would always resent Valkorion for stripping him of life's essential experiences. I could never imagine how hard it was to live a long life devoid of emotion, when you still had memories of what those felt like. I could never envy someone who lived like that. And it makes me happy to see him regaining what he lost from the Emperor's curse.

We lost so many good things to that blight. So many comrades. So many good years. So many good people.

I blinked blearily when I felt a hand brushing my cheek again.

"Went somewhere again?" Scourge teased. "You've been doing that a lot lately, Zephyr."

Scourge smiles at me, that small and gentle smile. I swallowed hard and looked away. He has become more emotionally expressive and gentle with me over time. I saw little signs of it even when he confessed his feelings six years ago. It's never changed and it only grew stronger over the years. He was a gentle giant and sometimes, even the simple things he said to me were enough to make me blush. I sometimes wonder how kriffing lucky I was that I ended up with someone like him.

"I'm just thinking of how I'm growing old," I laughed. "I'm turning forty in a few weeks."

He rakes his large hand through my temple, grazing the ebony hair in that way I knew he loves doing. "And you've only grown more dignified. Age has refined you, Zephyr. You look more dignified."

I smiled at his words. "Hey, you're still breaking hearts last I checked. You're not so bad yourself," I chuckled. "You're still the good looking heartbreaker I fell for on Quesh."

Scourge chuckled. He looked at me, his gaze gentle and fond. "You're just as stunning as the day we met. Age hasn't taken away your appeal, it only enhanced it. Did you know I nearly lost myself in the sheer colour of your eyes when I first saw you?" he said huskily. "They are like the deep blue oceans of Manaan. And on some days, they are like the cold ice sheets in Hoth. I never knew how rare that colour was until I looked back on my memories of Korriban and Dromund Kaas."

I averted my eyes and I felt myself smiling even as I felt my face exploding with warmth. "I keep forgetting you've lived longer than me. That must've been eons ago for you," I felt a stab of sadness for him. "You must have been lonely. I can't imagine how you lived through that."

Scourge raised his hand, brushing his knuckles lightly on my pale cheek. I looked up at him and I felt a flutter in my stomach at what I saw. He was still smiling at me, that smile that was dangerously close to being tender and gentle. His crimson eyes were glinting with some kind of tender and intense emotion that makes my heart freeze. I've never seen him look at me like that and it makes me wonder what triggered it.

I swallowed hard when he cups my cheek, still looking at me with that expression, his eyes unusually gentle. I didn't know what he was thinking, but I didn't want to say anything to break the moment. A strangely absent look glazes over his red eyes, even though he was still gazing at me. He brushes his thumb over the pale slope of my cheek, and I shivered at the trail of warmth it left behind.

I dared to look at him in the eyes again, and the storm of emotions I saw in those crimson depths made me freeze.

"If I knew you stood at the end of the road, I would still live my life as I've lived it, a thousand times over, if it meant that I could always see you and hold you," Scourge whispered tenderly. "I have regrets from my past, as anyone would. But how can I resent my past, when you were _my_ future? You have always been my future, Zephyr. Even before my visions about you. You have always been my future, even when I was too blind to see it and appreciate it for the great gift it is. You were, are, and always will be, the greatest treasure of my life, Zephyr."

Is - this is how he feels about me?

What did I do to deserve him?

I averted my gaze and swallowed hard as I felt a vicious ache clutching my chest. I blinked furiously and I flinched a little when I felt him pressing his forehead aginst mine. When I looked back at him, Scourge was still looking at me with that tender expression, and I felt my pulse skipping at the violence of the yearning that I observed in the depths of his eyes. I swallowed again when he tilted his head, kissing me softly on the side of my head where my hair was already growing grey.

"You have always been my greatest treasure," Scourge whispered gently into my ears.

I felt his massive arms gently winding around my shoulders, drawing me into an embrace. I felt my throat closing. I swallowed against the lump in my throat. I sank deeper into the warmth of his embrace and I shut my eyes as he drew me closer. I felt him running his hand down my back, over and over again. It wasn't until he spoke again that I realized I was shaking and crying.

I shivered when he kissed the shell of my ear. "I love you, Zephyr," he whispered. "I will protect you, always. Whatever you wish to do with our remaining years, I will always stand by you. You will always be the greatest love of my life until the end of the age."

**Author's Note:**

> I believe we all need some fluff, especially for those that are going through tough times right now because of what is happening around the world.
> 
> For some reason I thought of the song "My Heart Will Go on" and "Glory Of Love" while writing this.


End file.
